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WHY one must learn to be detached in close RELATIONSHIPS

Friends, over a period of time even close relationships, evolve and change. Here I am talking about the bond between long-married couples.

Firstly, let’s congratulate and celebrate all those who have been blessed with a stable, enduring marriage, it’s a great achievement in itself. What we take for granted is now becoming a rarity!

CHANGE IS INEVITABLE: – with the passage of time everything changes. All of us know it yet we are reluctant to accept it.

The most common changes are…..

A)    One of the partners may stop feeling the need to be physically intimate.

A cousin of mine in her mid-fifties confided in me about a month ago; what she told me was quite a revelation; in our family circles, they were considered to be ideal couples. Very hesitatingly she revealed,” We enjoyed an active intimate relationship for a good part of our married life. During this COVID period, suddenly my husband lost all interest in me. For some time, I thought, maybe it’s a temporary phase. But now it has been almost two years since we are living like strangers.”

She was almost in tears while telling me about this situation of hers. She said, “She feels rejected, distressed, even used.”

She still craves loving embraces, hugs, and just a simple display of love and affection that has gone missing!

For some time, she went into depression, and even now she is struggling to come to terms with this changed scenario!

**Time to learn to be a little detached!

B)    Your spouse spends time on solo activities or with his/her buddies.

My husband has always loved playing golf. And friends, this game takes a minimum of 3-4 hours to finish a round. Earlier I was busy with my work, raising the kids, and other household duties. COVID and on top of it my retirement really pissed me off, I started resenting his Golf.

After lots of arguments, tantrums, and negotiations, we finally came to agree that he can enjoy his Golf thrice a week, other days are for family interaction and mundane house jobs.  

Just sharing with you my friends, I too have started learning to play the game. Now I realize, what a great wife I have been, I allowed him to enjoy the Royal game while I struggled with my duties!

**I must learn to keep myself happy and busy in my own pursuits.

C)    Annoying habits bother us more.

Some habits/ mannerisms that were there earlier too, start bothering us now. Both of us have more time on hand. We tend to nitpick on each other!

My husband hates it if I sometimes burp loudly.

My habit of continuously straightening things, and putting them in place, bugs him no end.

I get irritated when he leaves the newspaper all crumpled up after reading it.

Walks in with dirty shoes when the house has just been cleaned up.

These small habits lead to sarcastic comments, silent treatment, and a feeling of frustration.

**We need to learn to be tolerant towards each other.

D)    Common meeting grounds vanish with Time.

I clearly remember when we were bringing up our two very naughty boys, every evening we would talk about their pranks, and how to discipline them, they were the focus of our lives. Now they are grown-up men with their own families, settled abroad.

We were living in a joint family for some time, during those days our conversation would revolve around the family dynamics, often I would complain about my lost freedom, children’s fights with their cousins, a constant tussle between me and my sister-in-law, etc., etc. My husband would try to placate me, we would look for solutions to these mundane irritants.

Now, we are living an independent life, all those common interest topics are not there anymore and both of us have much more time on hand!

**So, Dearies, let’s find some new meeting points and enjoy the evolved relationship.

IN NUTSHELL…

*Just as we have to have some common interests to bring us together;

*We humans need common irritants too to bind us;

*And, we know, we came on this planet alone and we will go alone;

*So slow detachment is in order, my friends;

Accept it and enjoy companionship!

Renuka.

1 comment

  • Good to know that these things are normal, I was getting quite disappointed in my relationships, thanks for putting together these thoughts n experiences

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